Generally my thoughts, as I begin to put one foot in front of the other, go something like this: My heart really isn't in this today what a waste of time I am just going through the motions but my mind is elsewhere is there really any point in forcing myself to do this when I am not really feeling it?
(For any yoga practitioners out there, you may recognize this series of thoughts. I have them before, on my way to, and during the first few minutes of almost every yoga class.)
I think this series of thoughts, interspersed with a bunch of other boring and obsessive thoughts about trivial things that are worrying me, for perhaps ten minutes or so. WhyamIdoingthisWhyamIdoingthisWhyamIdoingthis. What'sthepointWhat'sthepointWhat'sthepoint. Idon'tfeellikeitIdon'tfeellikeitIdon'tfeellikeit. And then suddenly, without having been aware of it happening, I realize that everything has already shifted. My sight feels clearer, as though I'd been peering out through a little smudged patch of a dirty window, and somebody came along and cleaned the whole window. My mind drifts back and forth between my inward thoughts (which are suddenly more expansive- calmer and more fertile at the same time) and keen attentiveness to details of my surroundings. It's best, I find, not to press either issue, but to allow my attention to move in and out, in and out. I write a lot while walking, but there's been a long time now that I have not bothered to put any of it down on paper. I hope that is going to change.