I am sitting in the little-used tiny room in our apartment we call "the spongy room," because of its loose old dark-brown carpeting and the way it feels underfoot.  There is nothing interesting in the spongy room, just some spillover kitchen gear and cookbooks, bottles of liquor, an old armchair, and a bicycle.  It's also cold.  Would it help if I noted that my browser is closed?-- the spongy room today is a critical retreat of sensory and information deprivation, desperately needed if I'm ever going to have any hope of writing or thinking something coherent this morning.

It's true that I still have "I can't keep quiet" running relentlessly through my head, as well as a succession of paranoid thoughts about exactly what dastardly plan has been concocted and is being implemented by (some subset of) Vladimir Putin, Steve Bannon, Rex Tillerson, Carter Page, Richard Spencer, Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, Alexander Nix and (maybe) Donald Trump.  On the other side of the scales there is an obsessive desire to keep looking for data and photos about a protest and impromptu march in which I personally participated yesterday.  Why?--I was there, I know what it was like.  Also-- and I know I'm not alone in this-- I'm thinking about some comments I made on Facebook-- whether they were wise, what people thought about them, whether they contributed to the conversation or were just a bunch of self-important BS.

The browser is closed, I won't look at my phone until this is finished, no one else is home, I don't have anyplace else to be.  But I still can't turn my brain off.

If conversations I've had with others over the past couple of weeks are any indication, we are all in this boat.  So much is happening that consuming news has become (in an immediately overused analogy) "like drinking from  a firehose."   Then, once you consume it, the pressure and obligation to act in response is immense-- but what should you respond to first, and how?  And, while you are beginning to consider action, the firehose blast of new material continues.  Meanwhile, there is also life to be lived, a life that increasingly seems like a trivial aside: going to a job, perhaps, keeping up with the kids' schedule, making dinner, doing the laundry, calling your mother and talking about something other than Donald Trump.  Reading a book published before 2016, in the Days of Irrelevant Yore.  These are all things that have to be fit into the interstices between fits of panic, outrage, and righteous action.

So, for a long time now I've been intending to write and think about how to create an activism schedule, or life balance, or however you want to put it-- some way to gain control back over my time and decision-making-- but ironically I have not been able to find the time to do so.  This, despite the fact that I have only a part-time job and my child is 15 and needs very little direct care and feeding.  There have always been urgent news to read, urgent calls to make to my senators about cabinet appointments, meetings to attend, protests planned and spontaneous... or, on the flip side of all this, a day here or there of total meltdown in which I check out entirely, eat potato chips, and block out the world.

I was going to write this post yesterday, but a major protest and then impromptu march arose downtown, near the White House, in response to Trump's new travel/immigration bans, and I couldn't bear not to be there, so I went.

The situation is dire.  It's great that, all of a sudden, we have an engaged and responsive citizenry, an army of people willing to act at a moment's notice.  But, on a collective level, we need to have enough opportunities to catch our breath that we can coordinate well-considered actions, not just reactions.  We also need to not burn out after a couple of weeks or months.  On an individual level, there's laundry to do, and your teenager wants to tell you about a test score they're really proud of. 

And this liquor isn't going to drink itself.

So-- and I am really asking this question, like, seeking answers-- how do you decide what to do, at any given moment?  I always have trouble with this issue, being a scheduler and a list-maker-- spontaneity does not come naturally to me.  But I'm thinking that maybe, right now, my natural lack of spontaneity could be an asset, something that could keep me from being entirely reactive 100% of the time.  I had some luck-- for, like, one week, right after the new year and admittedly before Donald Trump actually took office and started firing off presidential memoranda-- with a schedule that looked like this (on the days I do not work at the restaurant):

7:00am--12:30 pm  Ingest news and commentary (usually takes until 9:30-10 am).  Shower.  Spend a couple of hours calling congressmen, writing letters, and/or writing my own material.

12:30 pm--1:30 pm  Lunch break.  Read something that isn't news.  Like a book.

1:30 pm--dinnertime  Do Life things.  Try really hard to stay away from Facebook.  Go grocery shopping, do the laundry, errands, bills, cooking.  Don't check Facebook.  Don't.  Even email is shaky now that I receive 80 million action alerts and news digests in it.  Just life things.  And, oh yeah, exercise.

Eat dinner with my family, do dishes, go for a walk around the block with my husband, possibly watch a TV show that is not black comedy about news (possibly).  Now I can check Facebook, but not for too long, because I need to go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Attend scheduled meetings, protests, volunteering, etc. as needed (probably a couple of evenings a week, plus occasional daytime commitments, usually known in advance).

Sounds like a pretty decent plan, right?  But, oh my God, it requires so much self-discipline.  I've had three big problems right off the bat.  1) It is hard to stick to ingesting news only once per day, when the constant barrage of outrageous activity from this administration (plus fascinating tidbits that seem out of a spy novel) mean that there is something shocking happening pretty much every second.  2) The pretty natural and universal addiction to checking social media to see if anyone has responded to me has now been invested with a whole extra veneer of urgency and importance, so that it is now possible to pretend to oneself that it matters how many people liked one's comment about Putin or the Women's March.  Hint to self: it still doesn't matter that much.  3) (perhaps an extension of #1)  In my 7-12:30 time slot, the news-gathering portion of the time has tended to slowly expand and eat up the action portion until it is all gone.  This kind of defeats the purpose.

All this has led to a fourth problem: quite uncharacteristically, I am finding myself committing to taking actions that I then don't get around to or forget about.  The list of things to do is just getting too long and unwieldy and living in too many different places (emails, calendar, Facebook, written lists, inside my head).  I really need to go back through everything and figure out a) what I said I would do that I still need to do, b) what I said I would do that it is too late to do, and c) what else is most important to do next.  In a block of time like this, where all other inputs are turned off and I don't stop mid-sentence to read the Daily Kos Elections email or the action steps in My Civic Workout.  People who keep recommending new activist tools to me, please stop.  You don't understand: I already have a problem.  I will love your new activist tool, and subscribe to it, and it will slowly crush me along with all the others.

So.  I want to hear your strategies, your problems and solutions, in as much detail as you are willing to give.  It is trivial and yet it is absolutely not trivial, because our lives and futures depend now on our being able to get it together and keep it together, to at least a certain degree.  How do you decide what to do and when to do it?  How do you know which ball to keep your eye on?  Do you spend time thinking about where you direct your energies?  If not, should you?

Please advise.
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And now I'm going to take a shower.

It is January 3, 2017.  We have now passed almost two months (can it be that?) in grief over the November election, and the time has come for the new music to start playing, and for us to face it.  Our new Congress begins today, and the House Republican conference got a jump on things last night when they voted amongst themselves to eliminate the Office of Congressional Ethics as part of the new House rules package.  It is expected to pass.  (Please note, this is the Office of Congressional Ethics, NOT the Office of Government Ethics-- I have seen this mistake several times this morning in headlines, captions, etc., and it is an easy one to make.)  We will have Donald Trump as our president in 17 days.  This thing is happening.

We rang in the New Year with quality family time (board games and TV), and a really epic cheese board.  I feel like, in the midst of dread and fear and sadness, remembering to have cheese boards is going to be the kind of thing we need to keep us sane.  It was kind of expensive, but then again we had a lot of leftovers.  If I were to do it again, I would not accidentally pay $15.99 for a wild boar salami.  Regular salami would be fine.

I'm still struggling with the question of how to respond to our current political situation: not, "how should we respond?" but ME, personally-- what should I do?  

For the past twenty years or so, I have owned a deck of Tarot cards, and-- I know it sounds ridiculous-- but I know how to use them.  Sometimes, at the beginning of a new chapter, or in times of bewilderment (and this is both), I will ask for some guidance.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.  Sometimes, I've asked a stupid question, or my whole heart is muddled, and the cards also are muddled, trivial, and forgettable.  ("Forgettable" also often means I didn't care for the information I got.)  Occasionally-- very occasionally-- a Tarot reading hits like a ton of bricks.  This is especially the case when a lot of major arcana are present, signalling: "This is important."

​I almost stopped here to assure you that I don't believe in magic, that my interest in Tarot is purely a matter of accessing one's own subconscious knowledge.  But I was finding it hard to write that sentence properly, and eventually it occurred to me that this was because it was a big-ass lie.  I don't believe in magic, per se.  But I do believe in fate, in a kind of complicated way, and possibly I believe in God, and I don't see why a pack of cards should be any less subject to what I perceive as the laws and vagaries of the moral universe than everything else, so why should they not ever arrange themselves into useful messages, just like the flocks of birds do when they carry to me a sign of hope even while simultaneously going about their own God-given business?

Anyway, this morning I stopped to ask the Tarot about my path in 2017: wtf is it, basically.  But a classic Celtic cross Tarot reading actually tells you more about what is happening than what will happen.  This particular reading was one of those ton-of-bricks ones.  Please only read this next bit if you have an interest in/knowledge of Tarot; otherwise it will bore you to death.  You can rejoin us here* (scroll down)

1/2.  The two crossed cards in the middle, representing the crux of the present moment, are the 3 and 4 of Swords (the 4 is "reversed," that is, upside-down, which suggests a kind of complication, restriction, inhibition, or even--in rare cases-- overturning of its influence).  These are not happy cards; the 3 is often pictured as a heart stuck through with three swords, and indicates heartbreak and betrayal.  The 4, typically depicting a sleeper, portrays the kind of retreat and holing-up that follows heartbreak and is necessary for healing.  It seemed appropriate that my 4 was reversed-- while my instincts may all cry out for rest and retreat after the pain of this national and personal shock, I am definitely unwilling to indulge this impulse very far.  Those two Swords cards, referring to personal pain, are surrounded by a ring of major arcana, far more of them than an "average" pull of ten cards from the deck would produce.  This is important.  This is bigger than my mourning or my recovery.

3. Tarot readers know that The Fool-- who lies here in a kind of founding, underlying, deep-consciousness position-- is the most important card in the deck.  He is the undefined well of all possibility, because he is unburdened by knowledge or expectation, and operates outside the bounds of logic and preconception.  He is the zero card, literally.  And he also represents the questioner in her primal form, each one of us born unformed, an open and curious blank page.  Each time we take the risk of open-mindedness or open-heartedness in life, or embrace the unknown, we are The Fool (and are often called one).  My Fool, here, is reversed, because I am not approaching this massive unknown in a spirit of complete openness (though there is a little exhilaration to it), but also of fear (see #5).

5.  (I always read 3 and 5 together, then 4 and 6.  It just makes more sense.)  Above the cross, in the position representing my conscious understanding, we see The Devil (also reversed).  Everyone always goes on about how the Devil is not literal in Tarot.  Well, I guess not, because most of us don't believe in literal big red demons appearing to take a hand in things.  However, if your understanding of the devil is that he represents everything that foments evil within us-- fear, jealousy, addiction, petty dulling of the mind and senses-- did I mention fear?-- then I think it is accurate to say my consciousness is full of him now.  He is both the thing that I fear, and a representation of my own fear, which is always a dangerous emotion to court.

3/5 form a pair, a tension, between a fundamental innocence and freedom, and an imposed consciousness of evil. They are both reversed, neither fully-expressed.  Conscious thought is not necessarily wrong, but it often is.

4/6 form a different kind of pair, a temporal one, with 4 describing the (recent) past and 6 describing the (near) future.  Card 4 is the major arcana Judgement, which is a complex card of multiple meanings, but what I would here read simply, as representing Election Day itself.  The "day of reckoning."  Again, it is reversed, perhaps to indicate the rather tortured and ambiguous nature of this reckoning, as well as the fact that I think it sucked.

And card 6?  The future I am heading directly towards?  Here comes the ton of bricks.  Justice.  

Just look at her.  Is there any image that better represents who we might want to be in this moment, with her scales in one hand and her sword in the other?  "I have come, not to bring peace, but a sword."

7/8.  Another pair.  Card 7 can be seen as "who we are" in relation to the reading, Card 8 I typically read as the influence of an important other or others.  Card 7, with the last of this reading's major arcana, brings another blast by naming me, outrageously, The Magician.  This is card number 1, right after The Fool, which is about raw, elemental power, the channeling of the unformed emptiness of the Fool's world into formed creation.  Logos, or a guy with a magic wand, or action!, making something new.  Of course, the Magician, like nearly everybody here except for (thank God) Justice, is reversed, because how can any of that be easy or simple, especially for a crabbed old tangled useless person like me?  But, how amazing, to imagine that after farting around for probably more than half my damned life, I might be finally chosen to DO something (also see, even more amazingly, the corroboration of Card 10).

Card 8, the 10 of Pentacles, shows a material fullness, comfort and abundance.  Since this is the card position representing others' roles, I can expect cheese boards with family and friends to nourish me when times are tough and there's not too much power in my wand.  This card, too, is reversed-- nothing is going to be easy, not that easy.  But there is sustenance there, and community.

9.  This position is always difficult for me to put my finger on.  I call it the "hopes and fears card," but maybe more accurately I think of it as the "illusions card," a second place (like card 5) where one's own mental constructs are represented.  Not "what is real," but "what are you worried about?," or "what pipe dream are you indulging?"  In this case, the 5 of Cups (reversed again!) shows loss and regret, some very serious spilt milk.  Is this just fear of the losses inherent in the world going all to hell?  Perhaps, or perhaps it is more personal, a fear that any attempts toward justice or action on my part are bound to suck.

10.  The final position is the long-term future or "ultimate result," though of course no story ever ends and no future is certain.  For a budding activist, though, the two of wands is a good card to have in this position.   Wands is the action suit, and the two of wands "taps the same energy as the Magician, but with one important difference. The Magician represents the archetype of power - the impersonal energy of creativity and strength. The Two of Wands stands for that power brought down to Earth and made personal."  Also, unlike most of the other cards, the two of wands was not reversed, suggesting that in the long-term I may be able to throw off some of the inhibitions that restrict my movement now.  Put together, then, with the Magician and Justice, the reading is very favorable for activism! 

Rejoin us here!*  In summary, my 2017 Tarot reading suggested that my path forward might be to become a butt-kicking activist.  This pleased me.

***

[Jan 8 update]:  In the way of these past couple of months, so much has happened since I failed to finish this blog post on January 3.  As everyone knows by now, House Republicans failed miserably in their grand plan to undercut ethics oversight in their chamber.  For that, we have ourselves, the national press, and (strangely) Donald Trump to thank.  New challenges abound, though: 

Two different bills have passed the Republican House this week that would serve to hugely undermine the executive branch's ability to implement any regulations-- both the Obama administration's past 6 months of work, and the Trump administration's future work, as well as that of the Democrat (I trust) who will succeed this administration. It is vitally important that they do not pass the Senate.

The Midnight Rule Relief Act would allow all rules finalized by the Obama administration since June (60 legislative days) to be dismissed as a batch without further debate, purely on the basis of their being too last-minute.
​
The REINS ("Regulations from the Executive In Need of Scrutiny") Act creates a system under which every new federal regulation (that would have more than a $100 million projected impact) would have to be explicitly approved by Congress within 70 days, or be considered rejected by default. Therefore, the executive branch could spend years developing new regulations, and then have them consistently die in Congress by simple lack of action. Imagine if these were, say, the kinds of long-hashed-out rules we got out West over land/wildlife management issues, with years of public comments and much negotiation among stakeholders? And then, after all this work, they go to Congress... and quietly expire. Some find this bill appealing in the short term, because it might make it easier to block Donald Trump's activities. I believe we should remember that there are a lot of hard-working, nonpartisan people laboring in many federal agencies for the benefit of the nation, and their work should not be consistently relegated to the trash bin over political ideology. What a recipe for despair in government!
​
Both of these pieces of legislation have already been introduced in the Senate. PLEASE call your senators if you oppose these bills (or one of these bills) and let them know your opinion. What many of us are newly discovering, with a kind of wondering delight, is that they REALLY DO TALLY THESE CALLS! It matters. These may seem like arcane rules, but in fact they have the potential to affect hundreds or thousands of issues that are important to us.
​
Your senator's contact info is here.
https://www.senate.gov/senators/contact/

We also have an absurd numbers of cabinet nomination hearings coming up in the Senate, even though many of these nominees have not been thoroughly vetted yet by the Office of Government Ethics (you know, the one that the House Republicans never had on the chopping block).  Six major cabinet nominees will have their hearings this Wednesday.  [Correction: Jeff Sessions is Tuesday.] They are:

• Mike Pompeo for CIA Director
• Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education
• Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State
• Jeff Sessions for Attorney General
• John Kelly (who?) for Secretary of Homeland Security
• Elaine Chao for Secretary of Transportation (note she is also married to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell)

Make sure you also call your senators to oppose any or all of these nominations, before Wednesday.  And I will sign off here, so as to finally get this piece posted.  More ASAP.

From the Washington Post: Donald Trump is holding a casting call.  He's seeking 'the look.'
​Got facial hair?  Inconvenient melanin?  Are you an unattractive woman?  You probably won't get cast in Donald Trump's D.C. reality show.

From the Root: Woman reports white man choked her son; Fort Worth, Texas police assault, arrest her instead
​Nobody died, but this video needs to be seen widely.  Warning: it's hard to watch, between the white police officer stonewalling the mother of the victim, the same man ultimately tasing her and throwing her to the ground and arresting her teenaged daughter as well, and the girl shooting the video (another family member, I believe) communicating her fear and outrage by screaming nonstop abuse.  All because the mother tried to report a white neighbor for physically disciplining/assaulting her little boy in her absence.

It is a crazy time.  Anyone else having trouble concentrating on basic tasks?  For instance, my urogynecologist told me I should do Kegel exercises while I brush my teeth, and my dental hygienist told me I really should be brushing my teeth for 3 minutes at a time because I have plaque, and trying to do both these things at once (Kegel exercises plus dental thoroughness) was already a strain on my limited powers of concentration even before Trump got elected.  Now you can just forget about any of these things getting done right, because with my mouth full of toothpaste I am thinking about the electoral college and casual racism and Syria.  Wait, I forgot to squeeze!  

You'd think that, with all these things on our collective minds, it would make it easier to write, but instead it makes it harder.  The sheer volume of thought and emotion and alarming information slamming in from the public sphere, in conjunction with whatever we've got going on privately, is a lot to sift through.  I am watching friends tune in and out again.  In, because there is the illusion that maybe vigilance will keep us safe.  Out, because they are swiftly overwhelmed by what feels sometimes like a cloud of flying shrapnel.  It is unclear what we can do to save ourselves when the answer seems to be, always, "everything."

​So intimidating; thankfully there are tens of millions of us.

Meanwhile, while apparently not one of those tens of millions are looking, somebody sneaks into the public park and cuts down the old-growth cedar tree you loved.

On Monday night, I went to a thing.  It was called "Breaking Bread Together," or rather we called it that, having just invented it.  Basically, it was an activist potluck.  Because it was held in somebody's living room, it was limited to a group of 18 people-- the first 18 to show enthusiasm, not the most important 18 people in my very activist town, although there was a city councilman there in regular-guy mode.  We brought soup and bread and vegetables and cookies and cakes.  Two different people brought roasted cauliflower with pomegranate seeds.  There weren't enough dishes to have both a bowl and a plate, or both a fork and a spoon, so I filled my little soup bowl repeatedly with different things and ate brussels sprouts and roasted cauliflower hungrily with my spoon.  We sat on chairs or on the floor, in a wide circle around this guy's living room coffee table, and formally introduced ourselves one at a time, and talked about what was important to us and how we were feeling that night, Dec. 19, the day the electors voted for Donald Trump as President of the United States.  We also tried to put together some kind of loose viral model for a series of similar dinners to be held by all of us, and others we would invite and recruit, all over our community.​